What now? Always changing, always doing...

Every time I communicated a change to my family and friends, I had the feeling they were thinking: “what now? She is always changing, doing something... (and rolling their eyes while thinking about it)!

They were not saying it, but that didn’t mean it was not on their mind! I built a whole story around it. I felt nobody was able to understand me. Truth to be said: I was picturing that phrase in my mind every time I was about to make a change; however, I had the bitter taste of never changing.

I was feeling lost, and without knowing what to do about it, I would keep in motion, trying to feel better. It was a good placebo. Always brought me some “emotional air” and I would confuse that breath with having found what I was seeking: myself.

In that attempt to find myself, I changed universities, job positions within companies, I changed Companies, I moved cities, I had several relationships… And if I was not changing, I was “doing”: built a house (proof of my “builder” experience in the pic ☺), traveled national, international, got married, divorced, accepted more and more professional responsibilities, studied languages, tried different sports, had a radio show… and the list goes on. It was exhausting and, at the same time, impressive the level of energy I was investing in keeping the noise loud enough, not to hear what I had to say to myself.

Although I had tons of fun and even though I like change, what was going on was something different. I could not stand still. I kept moving because movement gave me the impression of “solving” things, without knowing what had to be solved. I could intuitively know that something was not right, but I was far from acknowledging I was in a dark place of my soul.

And one day, I simply realized my usual way of dealing with things was not serving me anymore. How did I reach this conclusion? Well, as many times before, I was feeling uncomfortable, but it was different this time. I was not comfortable at work but the sole idea of starting a new job search seemed an impossible crusade. I was also not happy with my apartment but moving for the second time in a year sounded extreme. I had a regional role, and I was travelling so much that was impossible to start any hobby. I really didn’t know what to do. For the first time in my life, I felt I had no more energy to keep moving. I started noticing there was no change to do that would make me really feel better. I felt stacked, without knowing what to do.

I realized I wanted someone to tell me what was really going on with me and what I had to do. I wished for a recipe, I wanted to get a “do this and you won’t fail” kind of advice. I desperately needed someone to give the diagnosis of my situation and spare me from the pain I was going through.

And so, I started looking for that someone. I was lucky I did not find anyone giving any recipe! What I found was many people willing to support me on my reunion with my Self, contributing to my personal growth and the development of those new tools needed. I am truly grateful for that.

With my new tools and the right support, I was able to start pulling from the point of the thread in my messy ball, embracing who I am.

I learned to stay still, and I learned to deal with the emotions which would come up just because I was “doing nothing”. I gave them space and stopped pushing “uncomfortable” ones away. I experienced them fully, realizing they are there just to make me aware.

While staying still, I also stayed silent and managed to hear myself. I started to deep dive on who I am, what I like, what I dislike. From the very basics, like the games and hobbies I liked as a child and favorite meals to my life purpose, core values and what is the life I want to create for myself.

Instead of going through change, this time, I went through transformation.

Now I can spend time without the need of doing and I enjoy silence. I can show up as my authentic Self without building stories in my mind about what others are thinking.

I still made several changes after that transformation, but with peace of heart, knowing each action is chosen to create a life aligned to my life purpose and values.

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